Anxious Parents (1): Preface

Anxious Parents (1): Preface

I often feel that, in a country like China, where almost everything requires qualification exams and official certification, it is astonishing that becoming a parent requires no exam at all. People often become someone’s mother or father in an instant, almost entirely by instinct. It is truly unbelievable how casual and careless we can be in our attitude toward the next generation. This alone says a great deal. But then again, even if there were an exam, what good would it do? At most, it would create yet another new profession: agencies that help people obtain parenting certificates. That, however, opens up another topic entirely—one this article cannot hope to explain.

Looking back on the whole process of education, I am afraid that, aside from specialists who work specifically with infants and young children, our schooling has never included any knowledge about raising the next generation. (Of course, there are many other topics closely related to life itself that I also believe ought to be part of education, but are not.) In other words, within the current educational system, a person’s basic knowledge of how to raise children is essentially zero. Unless we take the initiative to study on our own, we can only rely on instinct and on the extremely limited experiences and opinions of those around us. In an age so rich in information, this is almost unimaginable. Lacking systematic knowledge, we are left with advice that often carries prejudice and superstition. This is true of opinions from people around us, and even more true of opinions online, where conflicting voices clash with one another, muddying the waters and making it hard to choose amid information saturated with advertising, superstition, and misinformation.

For parents who rely on instinct alone to raise their children, none of the above is necessarily enough to cause anxiety. What truly causes anxiety is the contradiction between an overabundance of information and an insufficiency of judgment. In the Analects, when Zigong asked about filial piety, Confucius said: “What people nowadays call filial piety is merely being able to provide for one’s parents. But even dogs and horses are provided for. Without reverence, what is the difference?” This was about honoring one’s elders, but the idea applies equally well to educating the next generation. If our parenting consists of nothing more than instinctive care, then it is no different from that of dogs, horses, birds, or beasts. And what is more, at this stage of human social development, the “instinct” that remains in us is far from sufficient to educate the next generation for the world they must enter. Under such circumstances, can we still rely on instinct and superstition to raise children?

In reality, a great many parents do in fact educate the next generation using instinct alone. The experience that human society has accumulated over the course of its evolution regarding how to raise offspring seems, in them, almost entirely absent. Merely observing this is enough to make one shudder. If this state of affairs is allowed to continue unchecked, it is hard to imagine where society will eventually end up. If we draw lessons only from our own upbringing and schooling, or casually accept opinions from just anyone around us, then real progress will be difficult. The state of the next generation’s education will surely be troubling. Others try to improve on instinct, but because of the limitations imposed by themselves and their environment, they often do not know where to begin. They do not know how to access knowledge, cannot improve their present situation, and do not know which principles they should follow. These are, I think, several of the most common roots of anxiety.

Our personal limitations are a tragedy we cannot overcome. Everyone is confined within the framework of the self. Ignorant complacency and blind confidence merely add a pitch-dark roof over that framework. All we can hope for is that education may at least give individuals a basic capacity for self-reflection and critical thought. Only in this way can a ray of light penetrate the dark cage. Not knowing how to access knowledge is perhaps another widespread tragedy. One can sense the flavor of this tragedy in the kinds of “knowledge”-scented texts that circulate on social media. Many people spend their entire lives not knowing how to draw knowledge from the accumulated wisdom of human history. Instead, they treat fragments picked up here and there—right or wrong, taken out of context—as precious treasures. It is hard not to find this deeply saddening. This tragedy is not merely individual; it is national and educational. Much of our education has either failed to teach, or has been unwilling to teach, individuals how to think for themselves. That is what restricts the development and enrichment of a healthy personal knowledge system. Most people are unable to conduct effective information searches or independent thinking when confronted with unfamiliar subjects. That cannot but be a cause for sorrow.

For all these reasons, well-intentioned parents often sink into an inexpressible anxiety, unsure of where to go or what to do. The education we ourselves received did not equip us with methods for thinking through such questions. So when faced with information from different sources and of different kinds, we simply do not know where to begin. In order to relieve the effects of this anxiety, parents often keep moving toward one extreme or another, seeking some way to release their stress and pressure. They may give up altogether and let instinct alone guide the raising of their children. They may turn to some strict or gentle educational doctrine. Or they may place their hopes in various early education institutions. But in essence, they have still not engaged in effective reflection or careful discernment. They have not truly understood the individual child before them—someone who shares the common traits of humanity, yet also shines with a unique light all their own. Only by guiding and educating a child according to his or her nature can one achieve the best results. Of course, such an ideal state might only be approached in some radiant moment of human civilization. Most of the time, what we can hope for falls far short of that.

I believe we should at least hope that anxious parents can improve in a few respects: not passing on to innocent children the pressure and hysteria brought about by social anxiety; not placing blind faith in some theory or method that lacks logic and evidence; retaining, however slight, the ability to continue learning and educating themselves... But then I think: even if an anxious parent possesses none of these qualities, as long as he or she has the following trait, there is still hope for our society. And that is—love for the next generation, arising from the depths of the soul!