The Mother on the Verge and the Child Refusing Class — How to Face a Confrontational Parent-Child Relationship

The Mother on the Verge and the Child Refusing Class — How to Face a Confrontational Parent-Child Relationship

At the entrance of an early education center, I came across a mother and son locked in a standoff. The boy was about four years old, and the mother looked quite young as well. As I passed by, the child was crying and shouting, “I don’t want to go to class,” while the mother threatened to leave him there and go home alone if he refused to go in. Terrified, the child still stood his ground and would not enter. The scene drew curious glances from passersby, who might have thought some major incident had occurred. But the parents waiting outside for their children to finish class mostly looked calm, as if this kind of drama—played out almost every day—had long since become routine to them.

After the negotiation broke down and the confrontation kept escalating, a young female teacher came out to mediate. She first led the mother inside the entrance to ask what had happened, while the child stood at the door, crying and anxiously waiting for the verdict. Most of the time, teachers can achieve their goal through gentle methods, and after failing to get anywhere through confrontation, the child gradually gives up on his demands. But in some cases, the child refuses to abandon the original decision no matter what, and in the end, it is the mother who compromises.

Faced with situations like this, observers tend to split sharply in their views. Some believe that using threats in this way damages the parent-child relationship and leaves emotional scars on the child—which is, of course, true. Such harm far outweighs whatever benefits the educational institution might provide. Others, however, will immediately say that such criticism is easy for outsiders to make. Once people actually become parents, the patience and tenderness they once imagined having for children can seem to disappear in an instant. Children take off their angelic masks and confront you directly, and behind their simple yet stubborn determination, reason and negotiation seem to stop working. In the end, if parents refuse to yield, they often feel forced to bring out the “nuclear option”: threatening abandonment, making a small and helpless child choose between emotional security and surrendering at the bargaining table.

For the overwhelming majority of parents, their love for their children is beyond question. Of course they do not want to cause psychological harm or trauma. But most parents raise children based on instinct, hearsay, and scattered fragments of knowledge. Becoming a parent requires no formal learning or testing. Many still firmly believe in inherited bits of folk wisdom and taboo—such as “sleep on a hard wooden bed,” “dress as warmly as possible,” or “you should sweat out a fever”—without considering that many of these ideas emerged before modern science had taken shape, often mixed with something close to superstition. Yet parents should not be blamed too harshly for this. In the absence of sound knowledge, these traditions are often the only things they have to rely on.

From an educational perspective, educating parents may be even more important than educating children. But the reality is that although the market is flooded with early education centers, institutions that offer training for would-be parents and current parents are almost nowhere to be found. This is undoubtedly one of the roots of many tragedies. The education that institutions can provide is always limited in both content and time; for children, the influence of the family is far more important. On the one hand, many of us remain deeply troubled by the impact of our family of origin, even attributing our setbacks in life to it without much hesitation. On the other hand, because of our own ignorance, we continue to inflict more harm in the name of love, allowing the same tragedies to play out again and again. This is undoubtedly a sorrow for families and for society as a whole.

But it is difficult for any one person to radically transform society. Every pair of parents has their own life problems to deal with, and even if training programs for parents did exist, it would still be hard for many to carve out enough time for systematic learning and practice. So under such circumstances, are there any simple principles and practical methods for raising children? I think there are.

Setting aside the large body of pedagogical and psychological literature on child development, when it comes to educating children, besides the most sincere love from parents, there are a few simple principles worth putting into practice:

First, interact with children with a spirit of equality. Adults have overwhelming advantages over children in both intellect and physical strength. If we do not maliciously exploit these advantages, but instead consciously restrain them on the basis of basic equality and respect, our behavior will naturally improve. Think about how you handle conflicts with colleagues and superiors in the workplace, and you can get a sense of the strategies and skills you use when dealing with others on relatively equal footing. If we can first place ourselves in that same position when facing children, then scenes of blunt, escalating confrontation will naturally become less frequent.

Every truly professional educator I have seen working with children, without exception, crouches down to the child’s level when communicating. By first giving up the advantage of height, they avoid making the child feel defensive and resistant out of instinctive fear when facing a towering “giant.”

Second, use some basic negotiation skills. They work far better than simple force or harshness. It is only after becoming parents that many of us truly come to understand our own imperfections. We are ordinary people, with all kinds of emotions and frustrations. But none of these should be an excuse for losing patience with children and resorting to crude methods. If we could apply even half the care and thought we use with colleagues or superiors, and make use of some basic negotiation techniques, then with children—who are far less intellectually mature than we are and who begin with a foundation of trust—we should be able to see results fairly easily.

Depending on the situation, such methods may include redirecting attention, offering exchanges, strategically yielding in order to advance, or making conditional promises. One point that deserves special emphasis is that children, too, have a “bank of trust” in their hearts. From the very beginning, we must invest honesty in building and maintaining that trust. Once the natural trust between parent and child disappears, negotiation will inevitably reach a deadlock and the relationship will grow tense. As in any negotiation, our goal should not be to force children to submit to our superior power, but to achieve a win-win outcome through active communication: lower communication costs and less time spent for parents, and a more cooperative, more positive attitude toward tasks from children.

Third, avoid creating negative communication patterns through misguided incentives. For most people without professional training, our behavioral patterns and attitudes are predictable. While we are trying to figure children out, they too are constantly probing their parents’ bottom lines and communication styles through frequent rounds of negotiation. In practice, most extreme communication patterns are formed through long-term mistaken reinforcement.

For example, a parent may initially refuse a child’s unreasonable demand, but once the child starts crying and making a scene in public, the parent gives in—either because they cannot communicate effectively or simply because they feel embarrassed. This reinforces in the child the mistaken lesson that “if I cry and make a fuss, I can get what I want.” If this happens day after day, the child will eventually need to cry even more intensely to increase bargaining power, and thus a negative communication pattern takes shape.

Of course, I am not suggesting that parents should simply ignore a child’s crying. As adults, we should have the basic wisdom to use the techniques mentioned in the second principle to get out of the predicament. We are both parents and the side with natural advantages in the negotiation. Whether out of responsibility in negotiation or out of love for our children, we have a duty to guide the interaction out of deadlock.

For parents, getting along with children is a window—an opportunity, after many years, to grow once more and to refine ourselves. If we cannot grow together with our children, then as parents, losing this chance to become better versions of ourselves would be a great pity.